It started out as a small job really; one that has a clear beginning, defined middle and a foreseeable end. Lies! It was all lies!
THE DARK WOOD OF ERROR
~Think I’ll start on the stairs to the bedroom - in and out in a couple of days.
~Ok, that’ll be one piece that gets finished quickly. Then you start back on the kitchen?
~Spruce up the door frame. Rip out the carpet and clean up the treads. Put up the bead board. Piece o’ cake…shouldn’t be bad…
~Can you put in a wall lamp at the bottom? Three way switch? Ummmm, how about a three way switch for the ceiling lamp in the bedroom?
~That all?
~Yeah…for now.
…and thus the slow descent to Remodelus Cocytus, skipping the second level, Lustful, (to which I always thought I was forever doomed) and falling straight for the ninth – there is no love in the attic.
I AM THE WAY INTO THE CITY OF WOE
~Hmmmm…if I just bore this hole at a slight angle I’ll come out the side of the joist…
*whir, whir, rumble, rumble, whir, POP!*
~SEAMUS?
~What?
~Why is there a hole through the bathroom wall?
~WHAT?
~Yeah, near the ceiling!
~&^%@$@%^^%&&*((())(&(*&^&%$%$
~Heeheeheehee
~Bwahahahahahaha
~Heehee
~That’s not good! Plan “B”.
I AM THE WAY INTO ETERNAL SORROW
~Hmmm…this won’t be bad…
*tugs on the end of the carpet*
*rippppppppppppppp…*
~What’s this on the stair tread? That’s not supposed to be there!
*peels back vinyl tread covering*
~Oh, this is not good! Not good at all. Damn adhesive!
*poking and scraping at green gelatinous substance that is in GREAT abundance*
~Gotta use stripper! Not the kind of stripper I want to play with either! Damnitall and it’s little brother too!
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE
~Why’s this wire here?
*tug*
~Open end? Hmmmmm….
*zzzaaap!*
~This isn’t good…
*clambers out of attic in search of correct circuit breaker – fuck it – kill the house*
~Where does this go? Fuck, I gotta crawl over there?
*belly crawls through the insulation, over the heating ducts toward the eaves while desperately avoiding the nails coming through the roof*
~If my arm were just 5 inches longer I could reach that…
*Abandoning the quest for terminus of non-specified hot wire, the worm turns*
~I’m gonna have to tear out part of the kitchen ceiling now. Fuck – I just fixed that spot next to the pantry!
So…passing through The Dark Wood of Error, and stopping for a moment to pet the She-wolf before she drives me through the Gate of Remodelus I see only a miniscule light at the bottom of the pit – I think that is just the baleful glow of the level entrance, not the exit sign – not the Poet’s Way Out!
Hello Sunday!